Wednesday, August 17, 2011

French Onion Soup in a Sandwich

Do you like french onion soup? Do you like sandwiches? Well hot damn, put caramelized onions into your grilled cheese then! This can be done with any cheese you like, but I prefer muenster or gruyere. Today I used muenster and Challah bread.


For this you will need:

Two reasonably thick slices of Challah bread
Two slices of muenster cheese
A good amount of butter
One Vidalia onion
One tbsp white balsamic vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt

First, slice the onion and add to a pan with olive oil on medium heat. Add salt and stir.


After they have started to brown slightly, turn the heat to low and let caramelize for approximately 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Once they look like the below, add white balsamic vinegar and scrape up brown bits at the bottom of the pan.


Let the onions cool and begin to assemble your sandwich. Place one slice of cheese on each piece of bread, then gently place the caramelized onions between. Melt a tablespoon or two of butter in a pan on medium heat and place sandwich in pan.

 


After a minute or two, set the heat to low and flip. Then cover with a lid to ensure the cheese melts.



Slice and try not to inhale the whole thing at once!

California Sunsets

I didn't see many sunsets in New York. I wish I did, but unfortunately the apartments I lived in with views usually faced east. So, I saw a few sunrises, but not many sunsets.

Fortunately, the sunsets in California are beautiful. So there's something to be thankful for.





Coffee Vodka

At The Randolph in NYC, they have a thing called pickle backs. A shot of Jameson followed by a shot of pickle juice. For my birthday/going away party, my friends convinced me to try one. I refused the whiskey and opted for Belvedere Vodka instead. The result: "Was it awful?" -friends. "No," ::struggle face:: "It's fine." -me.

A much more appealing option is the coffee back shots. A shot of house-infused coffee vodka followed by a shot of rootbeer cream. I have not a clue how to make rootbeer cream, but I can definitely make coffee vodka.



Fill a mason jar up about 1/3 of the way with fresh coffee grounds, then pour in the vodka. 

 

Let sit for about a week shaking periodically.


Strain through a coffee filter. I also used a strainer because I don't actually drink coffee on the reg.


Funnel into cute bottles and voila! Coffee vodka! "Careful," says my mother, "Someone might think that bottle on the left is maple syrup!" Who? I ask. Who!

Sex Tips for Men (I guess?)

I've always been a fan of Cosmo. There, I said it. I admit it. I know it's a stupid magazine that does its best to make women feel that they can and should behave like whores, I know that. I think my fascination started with it when I was in my early teens and wanted to know about sex without experiencing sex. I did like any good nerdy and somewhat reclusive girl would do: I researched. And yeah, because I don't have a penis and felt uncomfortable trying to download porn for free from Lime Wire or Kazaa (REMEMBER KAZAA?? I didn't until today when I hacked into my ancient desktop computer from 10 years ago), I read Cosmo. I hoped it would explain the mysteries of blow jobs or something.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I'm familiar with sex advice for women. 'Shave everything you've got and cook for him naked' or 'Wear red lingerie and heels while he enters you.' Stupid shit that I'm not sure any guy actually cares about. Then again, early-20's guys seem to want to fuck anything that walks, so maybe this advice is aimed toward older men and the women who date them. Probably not, though. Probably it's just bad advice.

Right, so I'm familiar with Cosmo. I am NOT, however, familiar with the male equivalents. When  patrolling stumbleupon.com (I have an addiction, sir!) an article from Men's Health popped up: '33 Sex Tips to Turn Her On.'

Oh boy, here we go.

I'll start out with the good. Some of this is perfectly good advice -- I know, surprise, surprise! For instance, "Most bedroom problems boil down to this: Men are microwaves and women are slow cookers." I wouldn't disagree with that. Also, "In public, at a party, tell her what you want to do to her later: "Tonight, I'm going to make you have as many orgasms as possible." For women, anticipating it can be as exciting as the actual event," isn't horrible advice either. I agree with the anticipation sentiment. (Though I would probably balk at that specific scenario given that most guys at parties get OMG TOTALLY SHITFACED MAN and would forget about that promise later on... but if followed through on, two thumbs up!)

Alright, now for the bad. And by bad, I mean hilarious. The idea that these suggestions would get me or any other lady hot and bothered is actually probably alarming. See below for a few gems:

1) "A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don't expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies' room and change into it. "It's a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back," says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date."Oh, not recommended for a first date? Not going to ask the girl you've known a short period of time to go into the ladies room and put on an undergarment that probably has not yet been washed? Pussy.

2) "For extra shower power, pour a couple of drops of shower gel into a spray bottle and mix it with water. Spray her, then rub. She'll feel three different types of stimulation—the steady pelting of the shower, the soft spray of the soapy gel, and the firm caresses of your hands. That's the kind of threesome that turns her on." That's the kind of threesome that turns her on? The best part of this one is the comments. A few chicks get really hurt by the insinuation that they wouldn't be turned on by a real threesome, and then a supposed-virgin claims she chose "treasure over pleasure" and is waiting until marriage to give her husband-to-be said pleasure. Or is it treasure? 


3) "Bondage is appealing for a good reason: It heightens the anticipation for the one who's receiving the pleasure. But anything with locks, Velcro, or ties can freak her out (us, too), so try this: While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin. It's simple, spontaneous, and soft-core." This is actually my nightmare. I'm not joking. When I was a child I had to sleep naked because I would get trapped in the sheets and panic. Even now, I sleep with a duvet sans top-sheet because I will get trapped in the sheets and panic. There was one time when I was 7 that my dad deliberately trapped me in a sleeping bag as part of a moronic game. Scariest. Shit. Ever. The idea that a lover would intentionally do this to me and then expect me to enjoy being kissed below the waist? Frightening. Equally frightening is the idea that a sheet burrito could successfully hold me tight? How the fuck would that work?

4) "Let Her Give You a Pearl Necklace... But not a real one. Lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation. The beads feel warm and smooth, creating a new level of sensation." Okay. Someone seems to have forgotten the point of this list. This will turn your girl on? Really? No, I'm serious. Will a guy asking his girl to do this turn said girl on? 

I could go on and on.

Probably better to just read the article yourself and have a laugh: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/sex_tips_to_turn_her_on/printer.php



Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Homemade Vodka Infusions

So, I'm back in California. Living with my mother. Unemployed. You all know what that means: time to booze. But let's try to keep it classy, y'all. Time to try out some (hopefully delicious) vodka infusions.

This whole idea started a few weeks ago when I bought a promo on GiltCity.com for Public in NYC. $30 for three vodka infusions and three fruit liqueurs? Sold. The vodkas were pineapple pinkpeppercorn, mango yuzu jalapeno, and fig fennel. Pineapple pinkpeppercorn was the clear favorite. For the fruit liqueurs, grapefruit, lemon vanilla, and banana clove. The banana clove tasted like bananas foster. Shitty drunken camera phone photo documentation below:

Isn't the butcher block super cute for the fruit liqueurs?

We stole the pencils. Should've taken the clipboard, though.

Needless to say, upon my arrival at home recreating this experience was priority #1. I headed over to BevMo with Wooks, who proceeded to poop in the vodka aisle, and picked up a huge bottle of Svekda vodka for less than $20. I also bought a bottle of whipped cream vodka because... you know... necessary.

First step, fill glass mason jars with desired fruit, herbs, etc, and top with vodka. I chose to do four flavors: banana clove, pineapple pinkpeppercorn, strawberry basil white balsamic, and grapefruit rosemary. I just eyeballed the recipes. For banana clove I used dried banana chips, and for the strawberry basil white balsamic I added a bit of sugar to help draw out the flavor from the strawberries.

Photos immediately after filling the jars:

From left to right: strawberry basil white balsamic, banana clove, grapefruit rosemary, and pineapple pinkpeppercorn.


In a few days they look like this:

See how the colors have deepened? And the strawberries have started to turn white as the color drained into the vodka.


Finally, after about a week, I drained each into bottles I bought at The Container Store:

The pink peppercorns look like little alien beads.

This really isn't that appetizing. Sorry.

Finally!

Ta-da! 
Okay, so my measuring could have been a bit more exact so I could fill each of the bottles up properly, but I'm going to drink it anyway. Who really cares? Ideally, I'd like to get some coffee filters to strain the banana clove a bit more thoroughly. See the thin film of fat at the top? Not so tasty-looking. Otherwise, YES!

I'm looking forward to trying this with other flavors. I want to do a peach - OH! or maybe a peach cranberry for Sex on the Beaches! And I think an espresso vodka would be really fun. Now I just need to figure out how to make "Rootbeer Cream."

Here's to being drunk in style! Cheers!