I've always been a fan of Cosmo. There, I said it. I admit it. I know it's a stupid magazine that does its best to make women feel that they can and should behave like whores, I know that. I think my fascination started with it when I was in my early teens and wanted to know about sex without experiencing sex. I did like any good nerdy and somewhat reclusive girl would do: I researched. And yeah, because I don't have a penis and felt uncomfortable trying to download porn for free from Lime Wire or Kazaa (REMEMBER KAZAA?? I didn't until today when I hacked into my ancient desktop computer from 10 years ago), I read Cosmo. I hoped it would explain the mysteries of blow jobs or something.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, I'm familiar with sex advice for women. 'Shave everything you've got and cook for him naked' or 'Wear red lingerie and heels while he enters you.' Stupid shit that I'm not sure any guy actually cares about. Then again, early-20's guys seem to want to fuck anything that walks, so maybe this advice is aimed toward older men and the women who date them. Probably not, though. Probably it's just bad advice.
Right, so I'm familiar with Cosmo. I am NOT, however, familiar with the male equivalents. When patrolling stumbleupon.com (I have an addiction, sir!) an article from Men's Health popped up: '33 Sex Tips to Turn Her On.'
Oh boy, here we go.
I'll start out with the good. Some of this is perfectly good advice -- I know, surprise, surprise! For instance, "Most bedroom problems boil down to this: Men are microwaves and women are slow cookers." I wouldn't disagree with that. Also, "In public, at a party, tell her what you want to do to her later: "Tonight, I'm going to make you have as many orgasms as possible." For women, anticipating it can be as exciting as the actual event," isn't horrible advice either. I agree with the anticipation sentiment. (Though I would probably balk at that specific scenario given that most guys at parties get OMG TOTALLY SHITFACED MAN and would forget about that promise later on... but if followed through on, two thumbs up!)
Alright, now for the bad. And by bad, I mean hilarious. The idea that these suggestions would get me or any other lady hot and bothered is actually probably alarming. See below for a few gems:
1) "A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don't expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies' room and change into it. "It's a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back," says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date."Oh, not recommended for a first date? Not going to ask the girl you've known a short period of time to go into the ladies room and put on an undergarment that probably has not yet been washed? Pussy.
2) "For extra shower power, pour a couple of drops of shower gel into a spray bottle and mix it with water. Spray her, then rub. She'll feel three different types of stimulation—the steady pelting of the shower, the soft spray of the soapy gel, and the firm caresses of your hands. That's the kind of threesome that turns her on." That's the kind of threesome that turns her on? The best part of this one is the comments. A few chicks get really hurt by the insinuation that they wouldn't be turned on by a real threesome, and then a supposed-virgin claims she chose "treasure over pleasure" and is waiting until marriage to give her husband-to-be said pleasure. Or is it treasure?
3) "Bondage is appealing for a good reason: It heightens the anticipation for the one who's receiving the pleasure. But anything with locks, Velcro, or ties can freak her out (us, too), so try this: While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin. It's simple, spontaneous, and soft-core." This is actually my nightmare. I'm not joking. When I was a child I had to sleep naked because I would get trapped in the sheets and panic. Even now, I sleep with a duvet sans top-sheet because I will get trapped in the sheets and panic. There was one time when I was 7 that my dad deliberately trapped me in a sleeping bag as part of a moronic game. Scariest. Shit. Ever. The idea that a lover would intentionally do this to me and then expect me to enjoy being kissed below the waist? Frightening. Equally frightening is the idea that a sheet burrito could successfully hold me tight? How the fuck would that work?
4) "Let Her Give You a Pearl Necklace... But not a real one. Lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation. The beads feel warm and smooth, creating a new level of sensation." Okay. Someone seems to have forgotten the point of this list. This will turn your girl on? Really? No, I'm serious. Will a guy asking his girl to do this turn said girl on?
I could go on and on.
Probably better to just read the article yourself and have a laugh: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/sex_tips_to_turn_her_on/printer.php
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